Abandonment and Inundation
Everyone has ?baggage? which they bring to their relationships from their childhood in their family of origin.
In fact, that is the place where we learn what relationships are and we develop patterns which we repeat in our adult relationships.
Everyone has some degree of dysfunctional relationship patterns? from the past, from mild to severe.
Some patterns are more obvious (physical or verbal abuse), some are more subtle (non verbal behavior conveys a message).
These patterns range from abandonment on one end to inundation on the other end and every combination of both in between.
A person with high abandonment issues (type A) will want more closeness than the person with higher inundation issues (type I).
The person who has inundation fears will experience the person with abandonment anxiety as ?needy? or ?clingy?, and distance themselves, thereby creating or triggering the exact repetition of the pattern.
The type A person will try even harder to get the closeness, and they are off and running. And of course the opposite is also true.
Type A will experience type I as the castle with the moat where the drawbridge is closed.
They will keep trying to cross the moat, but they will only get the person to come out of the castle, by quietly waiting, instead of further inundating them.
Each person is only trying to get their unmet needs from childhood met in the relationship. Instead they end up repeating them.
In any case, it is too much (perhaps even impossible) to expect a partner or spouse to fill your wounds from childhood, but people unconsciously choose a partner to do just that!
And it becomes attack-defend, ad?infinitum.
In a healthy relationship, knowing the other person?s developmental injuries, a person, will be consciously willing not to behave in ways that will trigger them.
To do this, a person must be healthy enough to give up his/her defensive reactions.
Here are a few examples.
Ineffective Communication
She said: ?You never listen to me?!
He said: ? I can?t stand the way that you are yelling at me?!
She said: ?I?m yelling because I am angry that I have had to say the same thing to you over and over?!
He said: ?I don?t listen because you are a nag?!
Beginning The Dialogue
Most people wait and ?put up? with the other person?s behavior until they are frustrated and angry, either avoiding confrontation or not wanting to hurt the other person.
This doesn?t work because the tone of voice (if not the volume) will reveal the resentment and anger and will be met defensively.
Both people need to learn to be courageous enough to take a risk and bring up a hurt feeling or a problematical situation for discussion before that situation has escalated into a volatile one.
Example: ?Can we set up a time to sit down and have a talk about something that?s been on my mind??
That might be interpreted by the receiver as the dreaded ?we have to talk? communication. Even so, try to convey, that you have positive intentions and are looking for a solution.
Then ask for a time for this to happen, so the other person is not put on the spot and has time to accommodate to the request.
?You Language? vs ?I Language?
Do not start a sentence with ?you?. The other person will feel criticized and become defensive. From there the ?discussion? will be series of attacks and defenses, going nowhere and escalating into a battle.
Starting a sentence with ?I? is expressing a feeling or opinion without blaming the other person (although they may feel blamed anyway). It takes practice to learn to speak ?I? language effectively.
Example: ?I feel hurt and angry when you don?t pay attention to what I am trying to tell you?.
Problem-when you say ? I feel (fill in the blank? when you (fill in the blank)-it is still ?you language? in disguise.
Better example: ?I want to share with you the way I am feeling right now?-Notice this is entirely about the speaker, just asking to be heard.
Active Listening, Being Heard and Mirroring
Once the dialogue has been initiated, the listener should be satisfied to just listen and not react from a personal place. The listener SHOULD begin their response with ?you? instead of ?I?.
Empathy and active listening is the first part of an effective communicating style. Empathy does not imply taking care of, feeling sorry for, agreeing with or apologizing to the other person.
It DOES imply hearing and UNDERSTANDING the emotional MEANING of what the speaker is saying.
It is not PARROTING, repeating or saying ?I hear you?.
Example:
Ineffective
She said: ?You didn?t return my calls?
He said: ?I was too busy at work. You should know that?.
She said: ?But I worry when you don?t call back?
He said: ?There you go again, I can never satisfy you?
Effective
She said: ?Honey, I?d like to talk to you, are you available now??
He said: ?Sure, what?s up? You look upset?
She said: ?I am upset. I felt really hurt when you didn?t return my calls today?
He said: ? I can understand that, you get concerned when I don?t call you back. Would it help if I can?t talk that I send you a text message letting you know I will call you back??
She said: ?Oh yes, that would be wonderful. Thanks Honey?
OR
He said: ?Not now, but I can spend some time later this evening?
She said ?Great, when can we do that??
He said: ? How about in an hour??
In the first case, she feels that her feelings are being received and? that he cares about her feeling, enough to listen. He doesn?t feel blamed or criticized or react defensively. He seems interested and receptive.
In the second case, if he can?t listen at that moment, he reassures her that he will make time to hear her later. That way, she does not feel dismissed or abandoned by him.
About the author
Dr. Marjorie Rand has?been a psychotherapist for 30 years, licensed in three states: California, Colorado and New Mexico, and have trained psychotherapists world-wide since 1986. Her training Institutes are located in Switzerland, Canada, Germany, Israel, South America and five in the United States.?
In addition to her practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist,?she is also a?somatic psychotherapist,?meditation teacher, supportive?yoga therapy teacher?and pre- and peri-natal psychologist.
To know more about Dr. Marjorie Rand, visit her website,?http://www.drrandbodymindtherapy.com/
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